go back?

what does chara want to do this month?
do at least 2 dnd sessions
play nier w cousin asexual
finish comms & do more ap artwork
play ib remake
start reading higurashi again
code more of phantasmagorical
get some of my neocities plans done
maintain As and Bs in classes for the 3rd marking period
work on closed species

Thursday the 23rd

a long time since a diary entry, huh? sorry about that…! i actually have a lot to talk about and update you guys on…this might be a super long entry but i feel like it's therapuetic for me to make such long and rambly neocities diary entries. it's fun yknow? even though people likely aren't reading all of the things i say, the idea that there's some person out there reading all my diaries fully makes me happy even if just a little

so let's see where i should start with hmm…i think i'll talk about how my art journey has been lately. i have been working on my AP art portfolio lately- the first one being a painting about the viewpoint that most people have that autistic kids are "always childish". i'm doing a self portrait with a ton of stuffed animals i own and like two that i really want to own. to juxtapose, the facial expression of me in the middle is somewhat just forlorn and depressed trying to show how even when surrounded by things i like, i'm not always happy- autistic people aren't just cut and dry rules; it's a spectrum for a reason. i also finished my commission for my good friend dimitri. i really want to make him make a neocities but it doesn’t really code so…. T__T so sad!! i have been working on the comm for emmy too which she’s gonna use for his one shrine that i’m excited about because that means i’m able to help make site graphics and things that people could use. maybe one day i’ll try to make an entire layout drawn by myself for a site. perhaps my ynfg site? who knows!

a big thing i’ve been working on is my short film for my school’s film festival. and by working on i must say i mean mostly…slacking off. it is due in may so i guess there’s still tons of time but our “scripts” are technically due on tuesday. i think that the person running this festival doesn’t understand the amount of work animation takes or how it works. she expects me to have an entire storyboard and an entire “properly formatted” script by tuesday. i’ll figure it out i suppose. i’m rescheduling this weekend’s dnd session for the exact reason of allowing me to have time for the work i need to do. have i talked about my short film yet? i probably have, but maybe haven’t explained what it’s about. it’s a semi autobiographical memoir of my childhood as an undiagnosed autistic kid and my struggles with the school system. so far, it has been greatly therapeutic. i am excited to actually get stuff done for it instead of just laying down and doing nothing

in fact, i've been procastinating a lot. like a lot. i've actually been procastinating this diary entry itself for about 3 days. i have decided that really i'm just lazy lately. i know that i shouldn't be beating myself up for it but oh my god i'm literally finishing this diary entry on the 28th. clearly, i've just been taking so long to do even the simplest of stuff. i think i just need to stop being angry at myself for everything. i'm sorry i was supposed to make this all about stuff i've been doing lately but i just don't feel like it …woops

things that made me happy today
my coworker making more food for me, minecraft, building things in minecraft, lenore (my cat!!!)

Saturday the 4th

today i contemplated playing tag in oncoming traffic. i was going to get multiple things done today but unfortunately my day was genuinely ruined. so, i've been doing literally nothing until right now when i just started an art project that was due two days ago. instead of working on that, i've been working on my painting for ap art which while important, perhaps i should've done something i was being given a grade for and not actually just doing work for a class that will be next year. either way, this one project we're doing is literally very stupid it's drawing with poscas on a CD which like yeah maybe a CD would be interesting if it was painting but...poscas? they're really big and it's hard to work with. but i'm trying i guess. maybe i'll post it when i'm done but i'm not really proud of this art anyway bc it's weird and i dont wanna put effort

anyway! i need to tell my mvc story. mvc is basically the dmv it's just a different name btw. so i had to go there for one thing. one single thing. a vision test for my permit. it literally is just going and looking in an eye thing, telling them the numbers and telling them the colors. that's it. my appointment was for 10:30 and i was the only one there for a vision test. easy, right? Wrong. i got up at around 10am. the plan was that my mother would drive us there, we would get it done, and then i would go home and clean my room and do my art projects. what ended up happening was when i woke up, my mother apparently was sick and she was calling us an uber. mind you the mvc was 30 minutes away so i was already pissed at that. thankfully my brother was coming with me but jeez. we get there at around 10:30 and waited for like 10 minutes for my driving instructor to get there. the first thing that happened when i walked in was someone was arguing with a worker. she was angry because her appointment was like 9:00 and she was still waiting for a ticket. well, at least i wasn't that woman. yet. i got my ticket when my instructor showed up and realized i was the only one who was there for a vision test since the letter on my ticket was the only one out of everyone. well. lucky me! shouldn't take that long.

after waiting 45 minutes i decided, maybe all those horror stories about the mvc were true. and i genuinely wanted to actually kill someone. my mother kept calling my instructor and telling him that it was taking too long and he was like "yes i know i can literally see everyone else not doing their job and instead just making us wait" so i was even more pissed. i think what made it the worst was that there was another kid with my instructor that was there for the writing portion of the test. somehow he got called and FINISHED his written test before i was called. i could not really express how long 1 and a half hours seemed to be for waiting for a vision test. at some point i thought maybe it won't be that easy and instead it might take a while but no. when i was called they just signed me in and then made me look into a thing. i was so pissed. hindsight, i should've known that it was going to be something that lasted at most a minute. but waiting one and a half hours for that PISSED ME OFF! not to mention i had work so it was made worse because all my plans were being messed up. for an autistic person, messing things up is absolutely TERRIBLE

i thought after i finished the visual test my woes would be over. i was wrong. my mother called the uber and it ended up getting lost. at the mvc. the uber. got lost. at the mvc. we called the uber and tried to explain over and over again where we were and he just kept not responding. by the time the instructor noticed me and my brother heading around aimlessly trying to find this man, this fucking dude CANCELLED our trip. and just left. so now we were in -13 degree weather shivering our asses off without a ride. thankfully, we were able to get a lyft but that man's car was entirely broken. the door was hanging on by a thread. everything bumped while we were driving and the drive took 40 whole minutes. by the time i got home i was just so angry. everything was making me angry. so i went to bed and headed to work

work was a much fresh breath of air for one reason and one reason alone. today was chili cheese dogs. i actually don't like the chili or the cheese, but i love the hot dogs our cook makes so i've been waiting for that day for the entire week. i got two hot dogs and ate them immediately when i get home and then watched my friend play a game. so. as much as i didn't get anything done i still had a fun-ish time after my shitty morning? still. i'm angry. i don't even know what else to write cause i'm still so upset about this. i guess i'll try to do stuff tomorrow instead but no promises

things that made me happy today
hot dogs for dinner, being able to watch my friend play a game even though it is an extremely stupid one, taking naps, hyunjin and vivi most likely winning their lawsuit, my girlfriend just existing

Wednesday the 1st

today is the first of february! and guess what? it snowed last night! i woke up to a thin sheet of white everywhere outside. i was caught off guard with that, as i literally had no idea it was gonna snow. it melted way before school ended though and that sort of upset me but even so, i want it to snow again. the weather doesn't look like it's going to have that happen any time soon though…sad. aside from that, aside from the snow, the weather has been very cold lately but not enough for me to not go out for food during lunch at school. i'm gonna try to start making myself lunch instead of going out because it's too expensive. actually, matter of fact, i'm probably going to make my lunch for tomorrow when i finish this entry. i probably won't make anything actually good for me but it'll be better than spending money on burger king everyday just because i want to eat food and not shitty school lunch

today was the beginning of the new marking period for me, which meant an SAT prep course. i'm actually looking forward to it strangely? it seems like a lot of good practice and getting a good grade on my SAT would be awesome really. though, if we're being honest, i literally do not need to do the SAT. i am planning on going to art colleges and unsurprisingly, they don't usually check out my SAT scores. in fact, some of them don't even allow you to submit them when you apply. even so…i wanna take it. just to see i guess. i'm not sure how to describe it

i have been making steady progress on commissions lately. if it weren't my friend's commissions i probably would've been done by now but! you know. thankfully my friends are very forgiving and understand that i am super busy with schoolwork but i am doing well on the art for them. i think that i will probably be done this weekend or early next week with both the comms. the money went straight into my savings though so i dont really feel all that bad about it taking a little while since i'm not spending the money- it's going directly to my tuition for my summer program! below is a sketch of one of the comms…super excited to keep working on it!

i get my paycheck tomorrow and i'm kinda stoked about it. i know it's not gonna be all that much but any money i make is good lately. things have been tough financially and i will take any semblance of normalcy when it comes to money. i think that's why i was so hellbent on getting fast food every single day for school lunch but i've realized that took a very big hunk of my money in my checking account. i shouldn't have to take $20 out of savings just for burger king is what i'm saying basically. but who wants to hear about my financial issues? probably not anyone LMAO

the new queen bee album i bought came in the mail today. i'm so happy! in the image the box is upside down (oops) but it still shows all the cool stuff that came with it. i think the papers for each song was my favorite add-on. a few days ago, a shirt i got on mercari for qb came as well. the problem with being a jpop and jrock fan is that there's never good ways to get merchandise. half of it has to be proxies or overpriced $75 albums that are usually $25 for people who live in japan. but i digress. i'll do anything for avu chan

i have no homework today so i've been working on neocities and watching LOONA videos all day. i might call with cousin asexual as well but i'm not sure since my POTs has been flaring up pretty badly and it's making me very tired. i'm going to try though since i love calling with my friends! i also want to get a bit of dnd done before the end of the day because we have a session on the 12th. it's going to be awesome i promise guys. i really love creating and writing things. i think it's a super huge passion of mine really. well, obviously, considering i have an entire site. but still. it's definitely super important to me and i just do enjoy it greatly. if i do call with cousin asexual i might play some of caligula effect. although objectively the first game is bad, i still want to play it so i can see what happens. plus i like laughing at bad games

right now im reading the two nagata kabi mangas that i haven't read yet: my alcoholic escape from reality and my wandering warrior existence. i'm surprised that i haven't read these two yet because of how important her other work is to me. even so, i'm enjoying them so far. i think that i really need to get more of her work physically so i can keep it on my shelves. i also really need to redo my shelves and room soon. i've done some work but not enough yet. i promised myself i will get it done january but...i didn't. it's okay! sometimes we don't fill our promises but it's alright as long as we're putting in an effort

i'm not sure if there's anything else for me to write today...that's the problem with journaling. i always end up writing so much that by the end i don't know how to close it. so it always ends up with an akward "i don't know what else to write. bye!" but that's gonna be exactly what i'm gonna do. i don't know what else to write! bye!

things that made me happy today
my friend playing a short hike, nagata kabi's manga, jo haseul, watching the amazing world of gumball on shuffle, going to burger king with my friend and buying him some