11.26.22 // life updates and chuu
feeling: motivated 
listening to: aspreyfm play yume 2kki
eating: waffles
content warnings: abuse in the idol industry, eating disorders
listening to: aspreyfm play yume 2kki
eating: waffles
content warnings: abuse in the idol industry, eating disorders
been taking a few days off of updating my website lately cause i've been making up a LOT of missed work from when i had the flu. thankfully, though, i've gotten everything done! i took 4 ap psych assessments in one day which i think is enough to show you how much just 3 days of missing school can fuck you up when you're in ap courses. even so, psych is my favorite class. it's just really fun and interesting. plus very easy to find content on since it's one of those ap courses where it does not very much change depending on schools. we're all just doing the same shit. for example, we all just plug our nose and close our eyes and try to guess the taste of something. i've literally seen tiktoks about the same shit i do in class. maybe ap courses are good solely for the fact that it's basically the most scheduled and planned class. maybe i'm just autistic. either way, school is not a stressor for me anymore right now. and that's very good to me!
i have been working on another neocities project though- my yume nikki + its fangames shrine! i bought supporter since i realized it's quite literally super cheap and worth it. i decided i would host some (not all) of my shrines on different sites to take advantage of my supporter status. this is one of the ones i wanted to do so mostly because i wanted it to work as an information center for people interested in ynfg as well. i plan on making different pages for as many fangames as i personally have played or watched someone play. yume nikki as a game means a lot to me but the genre it created arguably means more. i just love playing them and watching them. it's such an interesting type of game and just i love exploration. i love everything surreal about yume nikki fangames..i seriously like spend half my time on yno because i love playing and exploring with my friends. enough gushing about it, that should be for my page itself. but really, i'm excited to code all of this stuff.
this is only somewhat related but i needed to put it here. if you ever wanna get into yume nikki fangames there's two channels i always watch and that's asprey and nex. asprey hasn't played a lot a lot but he's played more than most twitch streamers (which is none) and he's really good for people who wanna just chill and watch someone else play a yume nikki game with commentary. right now i'm rewatching his entire yume 2kki play through. it's extremely funny. then there's nex who just plays a ton of fangames without commentary. they have introduced me to so many cool fangames and i sometimes go to bed to their walkthroughs. it's just really nice and there's a TON.
aside from my yume nikki shrine, i have some other really cool news!! after going through a ton of trying to figure out how i can sell my art when i'd be 17 at the time, i figured out a way for me to apply to artist alley for a con next year! it's going to be technically under my mother's name and my other friend (check out hillofdespair on neocities and paradeofroses on twt) who are adults but i will be selling my art just technically i won't be the "artist" badge or w/e. either way, i'm super super excited and i already have a list of ideas for prints and merch. i might post a google forms for it to see what the interest is.
i've been working on a ton of fandom and personal art lately following my idea to apply for artist alley. i wanna start drawing more and posting more on social media next year so i can actually make a name for myself. i also really wanna have some of my yume nikki fangame done by the end of 2023. it's an easy first game project but it still is a lot of work! even so, i'm still having fun with it already. i just love being creative honestly.
speaking of creativity, ONE more life update about art. i'm applying for a summer program at an art college and i should be getting my scholarship applications in next month!! if i get the scholarship there's a chance i'll have half or the full tuition paid for me and i really really hope i can do that!!! i really think that it would be a good idea for me because i think that i should get used to the way college works and used to being away from home while also being able to have my skills improved. my friend might be able to come too if her parents aren't insane. and if that's the case i could get my dorm with her. either way i'm just super excited and hope i make it through the scholarships cause if i don't then unfortunately i wouldn't be able to go to it :(
i'm excited for the christmas time. like super excited. i know that getting gifts is a lot of money but i think i'll survive it. plus, i got a new job and it pays way more than my last one. i just hope i'll get a paycheck before it's too late to buy some christmas gifts!! either way, i'm sure they’ll all come eventually but my autism is crazy and i need to have all the gifts at once. man. well, it'll hopefully work out.
oh hey yeah i almost forgot. bbc kicked chuu out of loona. honestly, i don't even think this is just me being a fan of her that is making me so upset about it. the abuse in the idol industry is insane. the fact that she filed a lawsuit because she wasn't getting paid (in basic terms) and their first idea was to then force her out of opportunities for loona and then kick her out is crazy. they know she makes them a shit ton of money so they didn't just terminate her contract and instead defamed her and made up complete lies. i really don't think this is gonna go well for bbc honestly. they have so many people who work with them or even have just met chuu once through work saying how this is all just made up shit. knowing i met the girls (aside from chuu) and they were being abused at the time makes me sick. i need them to get out of that terrible company. the best case scenario is they go to another company or independent and continue to survive as loona.
i'm going to be boycotting any official loona videos and stuff bbc makes/gets money from because i am not giving money to something that basically funds the abuse of the girls. i think what really makes me the most angry is that they're trying to say chuu had a "power trip" over the staff. as if she wasn't debuted at 16. they're basically trying to frame the abuse victim as the abuser. hell, they literally starved her and caused her an eating disorder. she even talked about it on a show! there's just so much fucked up with this entire situation. i just hope this brings light how horrible of a company bbc is. i know there's a few threads going around also talking about possible xenophobia and racism in the company and although it's not confirmed, i would not be surprised if these were true. they treat international fans like shit and i've heard stories of the staff doing so. not to mention their treatment of vivi for being from hong kong. god. it's just a mess.
if you wanna read more about the situation i really implore you to even if you're not a fan of loona. here are just a few links for some information about it. if you are a fan of loona i do hope you can boycott anything bbc puts out there so we can show them we will not fucking support abuse. these are girls that have been with them since they were children- one of them debuting at 14. this is NOT okay.
on a more positive note, i've been playing a shit ton of project sekai so i'm gonna go back to doing that. diaries are always so fun for me to write but they're always just rambles. i guess some people like that though! add me on pjsk and thank you for reading my rambles
11.11.22 // six flags is mid
feeling: sleepy 
listening to: my friends playing valorant
eating: easy mac & cheese
content warnings: none
listening to: my friends playing valorant
eating: easy mac & cheese
content warnings: none
i'm a huge fan of theme parks, anyone who is my friend knows this. however, being in fucking new jersey, i don't really have lots of theme parks that i can get to easily. i'm not near disney or universal or even any local amusement parks. we used to have a place like around 45 min away from us but it was closed a few years ago. it was like the only amusement park near me so i was really upset that it was closed. so this leads us to six flags great adventure which is the only amusement park i can readily visit.
i was never a huge fan of theme parks that aren't...well, themed. if i come into your park and the only thing i can think of is "god damn this place looks like a mess" you are probably doing something wrong. the thing with six flags is that it has so many licenses and copyrighted characters that it uses that it comes to a point where there's not one set theme. it's called six flags because it's supposed to be all AMURICA, yeah? well, when i step into this, i don't feel america. i feel tacky decorations and looney tunes. how can you keep one concrete theme when your themes are looney tunes, dc, and hanna barbara stuff? there's not even like set provinces for each theme it's all just one mess.
needless to say, i don't think of six flags as a park that i am really a big fan of. sure i will indulge in the common talk on its failures as a park and as the rides itself as well as of course ride accidents (my el toro at six flags is actually shut down cause of this reason) but you won't find me watching videos on six flags the same way as disney. and i guess it's not necessarily their fault. they're not as big as disney as a company nor as universal studios. however, i really felt when i was there that there was little to no effort put into it. half of this entry has been me starting an introduction but what this really is about is my trip to six flags yesterday. took a while to get there i know but hey, an autist's gonna ramble sometimes. my friend had some time and her mother's friend was bringing her kids to six flags so i decided to take up the opportunity and come down as well. might as well yknow? i ended up enjoying it a lot more than i expected though i suppose that may have been because this time i actually had a fine time being a disabled person there. last time it was extremely hard and everything just kept going wrong but i got to get a pass this time and everything mostly worked out.
if i wanted to say my favorite rides from six flags i would say nitro and superman. both, however, are very liminally themed and it bums me out. hell, the superman ride is superman! be more original! have some carvings on the carts or some decorations. try something, people! and nitro is just. nothing. one of the only ones i found had really good themeing was the dark knight. it wasn't that good of an actual ride but the indoors queue was definitely what i expect from a superhero themed ride. the batman ride similarly had some good stuff. all of six flags just feels so...dated. like i can tell it's all super old. it's one thing to be like a theme park in assfuck california that has like 2 mascot merchandise pieces and doesn't really have a theme it just kinda is there but then to be a huge franchise and have your only identifying feature being those ads with "we like to party" playing in the back. i had a fun time anyway but oh my god their food is so overpriced. and they dont accept cash or apple pay. i literally couldn't get like anything. it was fucking insane. i am in awe.
this really just made me wanna go to disney. i miss disney world.
11.9.22 // christmas time is here
feeling: hurt (jaw pain) 
listening to: tommy heavenly6
eating: cosmic brownies
content warnings: none
listening to: tommy heavenly6
eating: cosmic brownies
content warnings: none
today marks the first anniversary of a time my ex-friend faked having a tumor and back surgery. this isn't actually something that pains me or anything i just find it really funny. i do not know how someone has the balls to lie about back surgery.
we started very slightly decorating for christmas. stockings, some nutcrackers, and some lights are up. but apparently, my father has taken away a ton of our decorations. i'm not sure what he could possibly need them for but he simply loves to ruin our lives. to try to make up for that, we're just gonna try to buy some new decorations. christmas is fun, even if we're not religious. i'm unfortunately one to fall for the capitalistic santa and elves christmas ideas
aside from decorating our house, i've been starting to get my phone into my christmas mode. every holiday/usually like every month i change my phone theme. people say it takes a lot of time but i find it calming. i also love looking for pngs and images for apps. it just makes me happy. i love doing it for halloween too. christmas just brings a sort of child like joy in my days. plus my birthdays during christmas time so i've always liked it!
i need to start on my christmas gifts omg. i need to make my list too! i usually have my list so early but i've been so busy lately i haven't even thought of it. i'll get on it the moment i finish writing this
i doubt my girlfriend reads this but if you do DONT READ THIS PART !! the only other thing that’s been going on lately is i've been making smth for my girlfriend for our anniversary. kinda? we don't really have a set date we started dating it just sorta happened. i'm making a booklet thing with a bunch of drawings and text. it's basically like a mini zine but for her eyes only. i'm having fun with it tbh tho! i hope i can finish it quick
i'm gonna try to get a christmas episodes/movie list so i can start watching some stuff for christmas. i don't feel like changing my neocities to be christmasy but maybe i'll make a christmas page? idk! for now i'm just going to sleep..goodnight
11.6.22 // on precure leaks, kamikaze girls & ableism
feeling: inspired 
listening to: nier automata soundtrack
eating: halloween candy
content warnings: ableism, abusive school systems, precure leaks (duh)
listening to: nier automata soundtrack
eating: halloween candy
content warnings: ableism, abusive school systems, precure leaks (duh)
the weather this week has been very strange. a mix of sun, then rain, then sun again, and then it'll be super hot or super cold. i really just cannot stand the late fall-early winter weather. i'd rather it just be all cold or all hot. that's why actual winter time and actual summer time are nice. aside from the weather, i've been good with my schoolwork lately. when it comes to school itself...i am not good LMAO. i needed accomodations in gym bc of my disabilities and what i just wanted was to be able to sit out on days where i was flaring up and to not be forced to do certain things but i would be participating in general. ever since i first asked for this, my teacher had been making snarky comments about my lack of "participation". i decided that i just deal with ableism so much i should ignore it but it was really getting ugly at one point where she asked for a doctors note specifically written for her and i told her i could not afford going to the doctors for that. she told me that "not all doctors are heartless" like literally no one was saying this, i was just saying that i am poor.
for a while, i was asking my mom to stay out of it but then the day after halloween i sat out because i had trick or treated the day before. she let me do so and i was fine with it until she came over and told me "you're getting graded for participation not trick or treating. i don't know why you would be trick or treating if you knew you were disabled". this fucking infuriated me so i gave my mom the go on sending an email. things were quiet aside from my teacher responding saying "none of this is true" until yesterday where they, out of NOWHERE switched my gym class. i felt like i was being punished for being uncomfortable with ableist comments!! i cried in the counselors office (god bless that counselor because she had nothing to do with the decision but she was helpful) and talked to the advisor on the phone. he blamed my mother's "strong language" and said that this was the best choice for me. i told him no it's literally not. my friends are in that gym class and now you're giving me to somewhere else and making me have to explain my disability AGAIN. not to mention i don't know anyone in that class! i'm even more uncomfortable in this class than i would be with my ableist teacher. i even had to bring up i'm autistic to try to defend myself but they just kept telling me maybe things would've gone different if my mother wasn't so "aggressive". not to mention, they said it was a clash of "world views" and that my teacher didn't think it happened so we can't fight her on that.
so. my mom and father are gonna rip into them whenever they get the chance. i'm trying not to worry about it but i seriously just can't stand how much i have to deal with ableism especially in gym classes. whether they thought it was better to move my teacher or not, there's gonna be other disabled people in her class i'm 100% sure of it, so why not go to the problem at hand? it seemed like such a simple resolution. you just go to the teacher, maybe throw her in 1 hour of a diversity training, and tell her to stop making ableist remarks. that's really all i thought would happen. but of course, the student is always the victim to them. disgusting school system
on a much lighter note, it's precure leak season! my favorite favorite time of the year. november-december is almost always the best times of my year. i get to have a bunch of food on thanksgiving (no we don't actually celebrate it we just make food), i have my brother's birthday, then mine and my sister's and then christmas! despite how much i love october, november-december reigns supreme. halloween is the better holiday though but winter is gift season! for my birthday this year i'm going out to karaoke with a bunch of friends and hopefully my girlfriend if she has a passport by then. fingers crossed!!!! back to the point of precure though. check out the leaks!!
duo or trio cures?!!??! im so excited for that!!! usually though, i get my hopes up and then am dissapointed when i see the designs. but then i warm up to them and like them. that's kind of the precure experience. happened with tropre and deliprepa. i actually really need to catch up on deliprepa because i am like. months behind. it's fine though lol. precure is my favorite thing ever so it's never a chore for me to watch it. i just need to get more time. what do i wish for the new precure? ok well, a lot. but here's some main ones
will i get any of this? doubtful. do i care? no!
the last thing i really wanna talk about in this entry is kamikaze girls. my friend friday (mdrforever on neocities check it out pleek) showed it to me yesterday. neither of us had watched it before and Oh. My. God. it was amazing. it was so gay. momoko was such a cute character. it was like opposite gap moe where shes the cutest but she fucks people up and is really cynical. the writing and cinematography was amazing. and then the animation part? really reminded me of cutie honey but that's to be expected since it was in 2004. i love campy live action japanese movies. ichigo as a character was so cool too. she reminded me how much i love being a butch lesbian actually. the credits scene where they were in the purikura was so cute and so gay and just. oh my god.
she's just like me fr. needless to say, i enjoyed the movie. i will definitely rewatch it again and i told my girlfriend we should be ichigo and momoko for halloween. the movie itself was just so good in its representation of why people get involved in certain subcultures. the juxtaposition with a lolita and a sukeban is hilarious but they're both these types of girls for a reason. the part where they were driving/walking near their younger selves made me nearly cry. it just was so good. i must now make this my entire personality for a few months
i may be butch but my fashion doesn't change my identity as butch so if you yell at me for being into lolita i'll cry. disclaimer out of the way, this reminded me of how much i love lolita fashion. i need to get into it more and actually buy stuff. on my japan 2024 trip i'm gonna raid an angelic pretty i stg. it's gonna be insane. i can't wait to start getting money of my own to dress the way i want. right now i just have to deal with hot topic but one day i'll be a real jfashion icon and won't have to have bootleg ugly shit. one of my highest new years resolution this year is to actually dress up all the time and post my coords. aside from the youtube channel thing i wanna start next year that is one of my biggest goals
i think that's all i have for this diary entry. this is literally all rambling but isn't that what diaries are in the first place? i decided i don't really like my diaries being just "this happened today" and just more of a mix of all things i wanna talk about. not anything specific but just a few things! i think my new homepage has really inspired me to start truly working this site from the ground up. i'm so excited!
